No matter how good your relationship is with others, there are times where we must all confront another person's anger. If someone else is angry, they're in the South or emotional part of the Wheel. To move them away from their anger, the forward movement is to the West or the physical part of the Wheel and then to making a plan to rectify the situation. The steps below have been proven to work in both personal and business situations.
1. If someone you know becomes angry, take immediate steps to defuse the situation by first letting go of any need you may have to be right or to win.
2. When someone begins yelling, do a “pattern interrupt.” This technique comes from Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). The strategy is to stop the angry behavior as quickly as possible. Depending on the situation, there are several ways to do this. If it's a personal situation, one way is to say, "Would you please speak softly to me. I can't hear you when you are yelling." In a business situation, you could begin to cough and ask the person who is yelling to get a glass of water for you. By changing the person's body position, you can often change their mood. Another way to create a pattern interrupt is to ask the person to pause for a moment while you obtain a pen and paper to take notes on exactly what the person says. If you're in an industry where customer service matters (and most of us are), simply writing down what the person says and reading it back to them in a calm voice goes a long way in calming the situation. Remember, the physical act of writing is moving the situation.
3. It is extremely important to avoid disagreeing with the person. Instead, repeat back what they have said to you and then ask, "Did I get that right?" Writing down what they're saying is highly important because it does move the situation from the emotional to the physical.
4. When someone is angry with you (and you had no intention of making the person angry),respond by saying:
It was never my intention to make you angry. What can I do to correct the problem?
Notice there is no acceptance or blame, only an effort on your part to take steps to correct something that has gone wrong. After listening and writing down what the angry person had to say, you're now ready to move to the North or planning/thinking part of the Wheel. It's at this time that you create a plan to fix the situation.
Unlike countries such as Germany, Switzerland, and Japan where there is a high emphasis on getting things right the first time (perfection), people from the United States are actually OK if something goes wrong, provided the situation is corrected to their satisfaction. In fact, the research shows that Americans actually value people and companies who make mistakes and fix them, more highly than those who get it right the first time. The success of companies such as Nordstrom is tied to always making the customer right.
5. If the anger is directed at someone else, avoid criticizing the other party. Instead, say:
That’s terrible. How can I be of assistance in solving this problem?
6. If you made a mistake, don’t give excuses or say, “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry” requires an explanation. Use this response instead:
Forgive me—I made a mistake. What can I do to rectify the situation?
This puts the power in the hands of the other individual without excuses or rationalizations. It also shows your willingness to take responsibility for your actions.
7. If the other person is unjustifiably angry, avoid arguing or trying to prove your point. If you cannot honestly say, “I understand your point of view,” at least write down and/or repeat their concerns back to them. That way they know that they have been heard. This is absolutely critical, because anger so often arises from the fact that we do not listen and hear each other.
If this approach doesn’t work, there’s another very effective strategy called the
Posted by Bernice Ross, Ph.D. author of Going Where: Ancient Wisdom for People Today
Photo by mrMark
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