Going Where

Your Major Life Lesson: Winter Births or North on the Native American Medicine Wheel

Native Americans believe that the time of year in which you are born influences the energy that you will carry throughout your life. If you are born in December, January, or February, you are considered to be born in the "North" on the Native American Medicine Wheel. This is the mental, thinking, or planning portion of the Wheel.

The idea that winter births are actually more thinking or mentally capable is supported by scientific research. The science actually demonstrates that those born in the winter have larger heads, do better in school, and are much less likely to have learning problems. Unlike those born in the summer, who are more emotional and more likely to have learning problems, those born in the winter prefer to process their lives primarily through a logical perspective. Also, while summer born individuals who have highly resilient emotional systems, North or winter born individuals have lower amounts of a neurotransmitter in their spinal columns that make them less able to cope with emotional situations.

The primary lesson for those born in the North is Judgment vs. condemnation. Judgment is defined as the ability to make a decision, form an opinion objectively or wisely, especially in matters affecting action. Other definitions include good sense, determination, discrimination, discernment, perspicacity; sagacity, wisdom, intelligence, and prudence.

Condemnation is the condition of being strongly disapproved of; an expression of strong disapproval; or, pronouncing as wrong or morally culpable. 

Many people confuse judgment with condemnation. We constantly make judgments about all aspects of our lives ranging from simple judgments such as what to eat or wear in the morning to major life decisions.

The lesson for those in born in the North is to avoid condemning others for the decisions that they make. In professional life and business coaching, one of the basic tenets is to never make your client wrong. North individuals make their judgment, and then, in some cases, condemn the other person for the decision they made.

A better approach would be to honor the other person's experience as what is necessary for them to learn. My husband often says, "Let them have their experience." When someone makes a poor decision and has negative consequences, there's really no upside in saying, "I told you so!" Instead, resist the temptation to feel that you were right and they were wrong. A better question to ask is, "How can I support you to get through this situation?"

For those born in the North, your lesson is to make your judgments, but to do so without making the other person wrong when they make a decision different from the one that you made. Even more importantly, North people are particularly hard on themselves. Don't allow your judgment to be the tool you use to condemn yourself.

Posted by Bernice Ross, author of Going Where: Ancient Wisdom for People Today

Photo by Steven Parker

Make a Telephone Call? That’s Way too Confrontational!

Recently, a Boomer was chatting with her Gen Y niece who needed some information. The aunt suggested calling the person.  Her niece's response, "That's way too confrontational!" The generations definitely differ in terms of they communicate.

For the first time in history, the way we communicate with each other is contingent upon the generation into which we were born. Traditionalists (born before 1946) and Boomers (born between 1946 and 1964), often don't get texting and social networking. They prefer face-to-face, telephone, or email communication. In contrast, Gen X (born 1964 to 1977) and Gen Y (born 1977 to 1994) prefer texting and instant messaging.

The Native American Medicine Wheel is an excellent tool for coping with these differences. Native American tradition holds that the season in which you are born influences the energy you carry throughout your life. Thus, winter (December, January, or February) is the time you do your mental planning or thinking for the year ahead. Spring (March, April, or May) is the time you plant, which involves an act of faith that your plants will grow. Springtime relates to your higher purpose and your beliefs as well as how you interact with your community. In the summer (June, July, or August) you nourish what you have planted. Summer is about feelings and emotions. In the fall (September, October, or November) you reap your physical harvest. Fall is about past experience, physical activity, and what you know.

How does this play out in terms of generational communication? The best place to look is how each generation approaches the community, spiritual, or belief part of the Wheel.

Traditionalists believe in respect, responsibility, and self sacrifice. Many willingly sacrificed what they held to be most dear for the higher good. This is the ultimate service to the community. They communicate best through traditional channels such as handwritten notes, face-to-face communication, and by telephone.

The challenge for Traditionalists is realizing that respect, duty, and responsibility do not resonate with younger generations. Many believe that out of respect, younger generations should communicate the way Traditionalists communicate. Younger generations typically expect Traditionalists to communicate the way that they do. Everyone suffers when they lack the flexibility to adjust their communication to fit the needs of others.

Boomers, the original Me Generation, focus more on their personal experience. Service to the community and self sacrifice is not as important as “finding” or “being true to yourself.” Nevertheless, making a difference to their community is a key belief for most Boomers.

In terms of communication, Boomers prefer handwritten, email, or telephone communication. Communication serves to build trust and relationships. From their perspective, you don’t build relationships by text messaging. Texting pales in comparison to face-to-face communication that is rich in body language or telephone communication that incorporates intonation, inflection, and numerous clues to the authenticity of the person sending the communication. Boomers believe that these other components are critical for effective communication. For them, service generally arises from personal beliefs rather than from duty or responsibility.

Gen X believes “Let’s break the rules” and "I’ll do it my way." When the Boomers went off to work to make money, many Gen X kids were left alone to figure things out without adult supervision. They learned to rely on themselves and their personal research to make decisions. As a group, most have poor people skills. The community is a place to research information from which you make your own decisions. This trait makes it hard for Gen X'ers to work collaboratively. They believe that personally researching information (the thinking or mental portion of the Wheel) is the best way to approach decisions.

Much to the frustration of their Boomer bosses, Gen X employees believe that the other generations rely on information in the same way that they do. Clearly, when Gen X works with Boomers or Traditionalists, this inability to build relationships and be of service hurts their chances for success. Their focus on the mental part of the Wheel (information) rather than the community part of the Wheel hurts their ability to be more effective.

Gen Y's focus is community based. The “New Me Generation,” approaches decision making based upon what their peers agree to be important. The challenge for Gen Y's is that they focus only on input from their peers without regard to the experience and wisdom of other generations. Furthermore, they have difficulty making decisions by themselves. They often rely on peer based data that has no basis in experience. Because they agree, it must be right.

Ultimately, the best thing we can do to communicate more effectively with each other is to ask, “How would you like me to communicate with you?” We must then be willing to meet the other person where they are in terms of their communication. The best of all possible approaches occurs when both parties are willing to adjust their style to fit the other person’s preferred communication style.

Posted by Bernice Ross

Photo by Phillie Casablanca

How to Speak so Others Listen

Have you faced a situation where you simply couldn’t make your point no matter how hard you tried?  The Native American Medicine Wheel can help you to communicate much more clearly. The key to effective communication is to speak to the other person based upon their home position on the Wheel. Native Americans believe that you season of birth influences all aspects of your life. Recent scientific research as outlined in Going Where, Ancient Wisdom for People Today, provides substantial support for the notion that the season in which we are born does actually influence our lives.

Using the Going Where model, those born in the North or Winter portion of the Wheel (December, January, and February), will respond best to the words “think” or “plan.” Those born in the Spring or East portion of the Wheel, will respond best to the word “believe.” Summer births (June, July, and August) are in the South portion of the Wheel and respond best to the word “feel.” Fall births (September, October, and November) will respond best to the words “know” or “experience.”

The challenge for most people is that they want to use the words that are most comfortable for them. For example, a person who is born in the winter will usually ask others what they “think.” To communicate more clearly with others, the best thing to do is to use the words for the other person’s home position on the Wheel. It’s also important that you ask questions in the sequence that goes around the Wheel clockwise. For example, if your preferred word is “think,” since you are born in the winter, asking someone born in the spring what they think actually undermines your communication.  Instead, the strongest approach is to ask them “What do you believe” and then “What you feel.”  This moves them forward on the wheel and may make the communication easier.

A slightly different approach uses the notion of pulling both parties forward. For example, if you’re working with someone who is a fall birth who prefers the physical and does best with what they “know,” then speaking to someone born in the “South” and discussing “feelings” will support the person with whom you’re speaking, but it won’t support you. In this case, the best approach is to use the words from the North by asking the feeling person, “What do you think?” This is clockwise movement from you (from knowing to thinking) and it also balances the energy of the feeling person. (Thinking and feeling balance each other as do believing and knowing.) Sometimes people are more open to hearing the words from the direction “across” the Wheel from their own.

The key point to remember here is to use your home words when you are discussing point of view. Then, if you know the other person’s preferred words, ask their opinion using those words. For example, a thinking person may say, “I think this is a great idea, but John (born in the South) how do you feel about it?” When you speak to each other from your perspective and are willing to hear the other person’s perspective, you will see your communication improve exponentially.

Live or Die? What Would Your Answer Be If This Was Your Baby

Yesterday I heard some terrible news. Two parents in their thirties were eagerly anticipating the birth of their first child. The pregnancy had gone normally, at least so they thought. The baby was born about two weeks early. This shouldn't have been caused for alarm.

When the baby was born, she had multiple serious birth defects including Down Syndrome, kidney damage, and numerous internal defects that will require repeated painful surgeries to keep her alive. She would require a permanent feeding tube since she cannot swallow. At best, the doctors thought she could live to age five, if that long. She will require long term life support to stay alive.

The parents and friends have been at the hospital 24-7 holding her, talking to her, and telling her how much she is loved. They did not want to expose her to several rounds of painful surgery and treatments just to keep her hanging on in life support. They simply wanted God to determine when their daughter would die. Their doctor concurred. Someone else, however, disagreed with their decision. The baby's life and death will now be determined by a judge.

How would you respond? What is the right course of action? Would you take your baby off life support and let her die? Would you be willing to face murder charges if you did so? Do your beliefs demand that you let God's will be done or do you believe that "God's will" includes every heroic effort modern medicine can provide?

This is one of the most difficult decisions that I can imagine taking to the Medicine Wheel. Normally, you would start with your home position on the Wheel. In this case, the question is what is the best decision for the baby. Since the baby can't tell you what she would choose, you can at least start with her home position on the Wheel.

Assume that the baby is born in the fall, that is in the West or Physical portion of the Wheel. Marilyn always suggests that you "walk" around the Wheel three times. Before asking the questions, give thanks for the gift of the baby in your life and for all the positive things that you have, even as you face this horrific situation. Our strength to face what is difficult is enhanced when we focus on what is going right in our lives, rather than what is going wrong.

Once you have given thanks, the questions you should ask in each direction are:

(1) What is the challenge (physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally) that is before me?

(2) What is one tool that I have to cope with that challenge (physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally)?

(3) What is the best possible outcome in each direction (physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally)?

(4) Based upon the answers to the questions above, what choices support the best possible outcome for the child in this situation?

What's upsetting about this particular situation is that someone else decided that their belief system (the child should be kept alive under all circumstances) was more important than that of the parents and the doctor. Now the parents are in the middle of an even worse nightmare than they were already facing. This person who decided "My will be done," did not take into account the spiritual part of the Wheel that asks you to consider how your actions will affect the others around you. Nor did this person take into account the emotional pain those that love that baby are now experiencing. Worst of all, there was no consideration for the physical pain this child will certainly have to undergo to be kept alive.

Before you interfere in someone else's decision. It's smart to use the same questions above. Take into consideration not only your personal beliefs, but the mental, spiritual, emotional, and spiritual consequences for ALL involved. Not just you.

Some people believe that life should be preserved at all costs. Others believe in euthanasia. Ultimately, these are personal decisions that each of us must make for ourselves. The difficulty comes when we demand that others take the same actions that we would take in the situation.

As to this baby, here's a parallel situation that I experienced when my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. How would you handle this situation?

You have terminal cancer. The probability you will live is five years at most. You will have to undergo a number of painful surgeries every few months just to stay alive. You will continue to lose mental function due to the side effects of the growing tumors in your brain. You will be vomiting constantly from the chemo and radiation treatments. The morphine will block the pain from the tumors throughout your body for awhile, but eventually, even morphine won't work. Would you choose to be kept alive under these circumstances by heroic means?

I hope that you never have to face this decision. My mother begged for someone to give her a "mercy shot." We felt helpless to do anything except what the doctor told us to do. Personally, I wouldn't wish that hell on the most monstrous person in the world. Nevertheless, the decision I make for me may not be the decision that you make for you.

If you are struggling with a life or death decision, the Wheel can help. Please feel free to contact me at Bernice@Teleclass4u.com if you would like a personal counseling session with me or with Marilyn.

Posted by Bernice Ross, author of Going Where, Ancient Wisdom for People Today 

The Difference Between Thinking, Believing, Feeling, and Knowing

When you first begin working with the Native American Medicine Wheel, there is often some confusion about the words, "I think, I believe, I feel, and I know." 

For example, it's common for someone born in December, January, and February (North) to say, "I think I know." The distinction here is what your head or mental processes tell you as opposed to what your past experience (I know) tells you.

For those born in the East or the Spring months of March, April, and May, they may have trouble distinguishing between what they believe and what they think. "Thinking" is logical, rational mental processing. It is often linear, going from "A" to "B" to "C."  In contrast, beliefs are often more intuitive rather than logical. Your beliefs are generally related to issues that can't be proven. Examples include religious beliefs, beliefs about how to best serve your community, child rearing beliefs, etc. Beliefs are more an issue of faith rather than thinking, logic, or rationality.

For those born in June, July, and August (South), it's often common for them to confuse their feelings with their beliefs. Belief, again, is often a matter of faith. Faith or belief appears to be related to areas in the parietal lobes. Typically we learn our beliefs from our parents and others around us. In contrast, emotions are programmed in our brainstems and are often related to adrenaline. Emotions trigger a reaction in the sympathetic nervous system. Babies show emotion long before they ever have the words to describe what they believe. This is very apparent when you see someone become quite emotional about their beliefs. Politics is one of the great examples of this. People are convinced that what they believe is true and when someone else disagrees, they react emotionally. Many times we judge the strength of our beliefs based upon the strength of the emotions attached to the beliefs.

For those born in September, October, or November (West), they may say, "I know what I feel." In this example, they are confusing past experience (what they know) with the emotion they are experiencing at the moment. As mentioned above, emotional reactions are tied to automatic responses in the brainstem and the sympathetic nervous systems. Your physical knowing originates in your five senses. Each of your five senses are processed in different parts of the brain, separate from where the emotions are processed. 

Here are four simple suggestions to keep the four directions clear when you speak.

1.  "I think" refers to your mental processes including planning, judging, thinking, "using your head," rationalizing, analyzing, using logic, etc.

2. "I believe" refers to your connection with God, with community, and how you contribute or give back to others. It also refers to your intuition.

3.  "I feel" has to do with your emotions, your heart, and your "gut feelings."

4. "I know" has to do with your physical being including your past experience as well as any experience

you have that comes from your five senses.

Posted by Bernice Ross

Photo by Steven Parker

Using the Native American Medicine Wheel to Have More Balanced Life

Having a balanced life is important to almost everyone. What constitutes a balanced life varies from individual to individual, but most would say that a balanced life includes the mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical. To create more balance in your life, consider these steps from our book, Going Where.

1.    To make better decisions, you must use a balanced approach that includes the mental, spiritual, emotional, and the physical. Leaving out any one of these elements will result in a poor outcome. The mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical, involve different parts of our bodies. The best decisions result when we use an integrated, whole-body decision-making process.

2.    Your personal approach to decision-making begins with the season in which you are born. If you are born in the winter, you will start with what you think. If you are born in the spring, you will start with what you believe. For summer borns, you will begin with what you feel whereas those born in the fall will begin with what they know.

3.    Positive outcomes result from following the same pattern as the seasons—i.e., moving from spring to summer to fall to winter. The correct movement for each season of birth is:

a.    Winter: think, believe, feel, know

b.    Spring: believe, feel, know, think

c.     Summer: feel, know, think, believe

d.    Fall: know, think, believe, feel

4.    Poor outcomes occur when you move backwards rather than forward. The key traps depending upon your season of birth are:

a.  Winter born—think about it and then do it.

b.   Spring born—focusing on ideas first rather than on your community, your core values, or your relationship with God or your higher self.

c.  Summer born—becoming angry with your community or God and playing the martyr.

d.   Fall born—focusing on your feelings rather than beginning with your past experience.

e.  Asking yourself the question, What do I "think, believe, feel, know" (i.e. choosing the correct order for you) is one of the quickest ways to achieve balance not only in your decision making, but in all other aspects of your life as well.

Posted by Bernice Ross

Photo by Sipula