Going Where

Where's Your Integrity?

This morning Marilyn and I had a great discussion about integrity. She did two posts on her blog on this topic. Posts (1)  and (2)

The dictionary defines integrity as:

1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness.
3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness

One of my favorite definitions of integrity is, "It's what you do when no one else is looking."

A completely different definition that Marilyn discusses in her post is this: "The truth of the beliefs of the speaker, not the hearer."

One of the best illustrations of this concept comes from politics. Those who are passionate about their candidate, strongly believe in their personal integrity as well as that of the political candidate that they support. In fact, at a recent gathering at our house, the day before the Texas Democratic caucus, there was a heated debate between Hillary and Obama's supporters as to who would make the better President. Each of them was so busy arguing for their integrity and their beliefs, that they could not hear what the other person was saying.

Before we can judge the integrity of another person, we must understand the their belief system. What is in integrity for me may not be in integrity for someone else. Your integrity is tied to how well you follow your personal belief system.

Marilyn provided a powerful and somewhat disturbing example. If someone is a bank robber and this person sees nothing wrong with stealing money from others, then that person is acting on their integrity and is congruent. On the other hand, most of us believe that robbing banks is wrong because taking someone else's money is wrong. Nevertheless, some of these same people see nothing wrong with cheating on their taxes. It's OK to take from the government but not from the bank.

How can you spot if you are out of your personal integrity? A simple way to is to examine whether your road is straight and easy or is it filled with twists, turns, and obstacles? By that I mean, do you consistently follow a straight path in terms of your beliefs? You never waiver from them, no matter who you are with or what you are doing. If you change your beliefs or actions to fit various situations, then chances are that you are not holding true to your own integrity. Remember, it is what you believe that matters, not what someone else's standard is for you.

One of the greatest lessons that most of us face is taking responsibility for our actions. Our society is deep into the "blame game." It's someone else's fault that this happened to me. When we fail to take responsibility for what we create, we twist and wind around the lesson that we needed to learn. When we acknowledge our own roles in the creation of our lives and accept complete responsibility (easier said than done), then we are living in our integrity.

Ultimately, we are meant to live in harmony, to be in alignment with our higher purpose in life, and to experience love. Instead of cherry picking what's wrong with life and what's wrong with others, it's time we shifted our approach and focused on cherry picking what is right with us and the world we inhabit.

Posted by Bernice Ross and Marilyn Naylor

Photo by Mike Licht

Welcome to Marilyn's Porch--Conversations with Marilyn and Bernice about the Wheel

I am absolutely delighted to have Marilyn Naylor join me for an on-going series of conversations about the Native American Medicine Wheel. These conversations will be in a MP3 player format so that you can listen at your convenience from your computer, MP3 player, or iPod. More importantly, if you have an issue that you are facing in your life and would like to talk to us about it, we would be happy to work with you either through posts to this blog or via telephone. If you want a private session with Marilyn, please honor that she works by donation. Do the right thing and be as generous as you can.

In our first session, Marilyn discusses how she learned about the Wheel and uses it to help people have more satisfying lives. In the next four sessions, she discusses the lessons in each of the four directions. We hope that you will join us on a regular basis to share our journey together. Marilyn has been a tremendous gift in my life and I am excited that with the new changes in technology, that we can share with others throughout the world. If you like what you hear, please spread the word.

Listen Now!

Posted by Bernice Ross

Photo by Herschong

Making Choices

One of the most important teachings from the Medicine Wheel is how to make better choices. For a child to learn decisive decision making, they must understand their choices and the consequences of each. This can begin at a very early age. Like all good parents, I only share choices that I approved of. Bedtime is a frequent time of discussion in most households. The choices I gave them at an early age were, 1) “You may go to bed now and I will read you a story” 2)“You can go to bed in five minutes with no story” and set the timer. 3) You may stay up as late as you wish, however, I am going to bed. Lock the house, turn off the lights, and the television, and go to bed, leaving in the child in the dark. When I did this, my daughters came to be within five minutes. My son slept on the couch. Here’s the important point: I only had to this one time with each of them. They were given the consequences and they knew what the choice would result in. When they chose the five minute timer, it was five minutes, period. And when they chose the bedtime story, they even got to choose the story.  Everyone was aware of the choice and the results. This is how they learned to make choices.

         

As an adult when you are faced with choices, using the Wheel will show you the challenges and the consequences of the choice that you are making.

Posted by Marilyn Naylor

Ouch! You Hurt Me!

I can remember when my son was 2 years old and there were no car seats and no seat belts. When I was driving, he stood behind me leaning elbows and holding on to my hair. Inevitably, I would turn to back up and out would come a hank of hair. Had he done this deliberately, he would have been missing a hank of hair.

       

If a 2-year old pulls someone’s hair, their desired result is to get their way, which they accomplish. I do not believe that the 2-year old knows the pain that they are inflicting. They are only tuned to results. If mom or dad would give a jerk on the child’s hair, enough to get their attention, not to damage them, they now understand what they are doing. The next time they pull someone’s hair, they are to be reminded of how it felt when their hair was pulled and that they should not be hurting others. They should be given a time out or the loss of a toy. The important thing for children to learn is self-discipline and it begins with understanding consequences.

      

Knowing the direction that your child is born on the Wheel will help you communicate consequences. The physical child will feel it. The mental child will think about it. The spiritual child will want to go to a different level with it and frequently blame the other child for having their toy. The emotional child will react to the pain of the other child.

         

Posted by Marilyn Naylor

Step Parents (and Those Who Feel Like Step Parents): How to Work with Your Teenagers.

When your child says: “You’re not my parent!” Here’s how to respond:

“You’re right I’m not your parent. However, I am the adult in charge here.”

In a divorce, the child’s life disrupted through no choice of their own. They lose a parent and they may lose their home, their siblings, and their friends as well. They resent anything that creates one more thing they have to deal with.

If the adult can sit down with the child at the time that they are coming into their lives, have the following conversation, things will go much better.

“I know I’m not your parent. The other difference between us is that I am choosing to come into your life. Unfortunately, you were not given the choice of my coming into your life. This is a situation that is going to require both us to communicate with each other, understand each other, and respect each other. I know I will probably make mistakes and we will have differences of opinion. So let’s do our best for both of our lives to be harmonious.”

This conversation doesn’t make the child the bad guy and it’s the adult accepting responsibility for their actions.

All of this will work so much more smoothly when you understand the direction the child is born in and you, as the adult, strive to understand their language rather than expecting them to understand yours. I would suggest that prior to this conversation that you put your challenge on the Wheel and ask for help in communicating on every level with the teen.

Posted by Marilyn Naylor

(Note from Bernice: Chapters 9-13 in Going Where provide specific details on how to use the Wheel with your children, no matter what their age is.)

Using the Medicine Wheel to Work with Teens

At age 14, they’re a challenge, no matter whether they are our kids, the neighbors, it matters not. I used to threaten to freeze mine until they were 21. At 14 they’re just beginning to come into their own and fighting to get away from Mom and Dad and screaming, “Let me go!” while they hold on tightly.

This is the crux of what is going on. They want to get this burst of freedom and at the same time, they are scared of the freedom. If at this point, you have not taught them boundaries and consequences, it’s too late to expect them to exercise good judgment now. They now become a problem for everyone who comes into their path. You can begin teaching boundaries now and allowing consequences, but the parent must be stronger than the child is.

Most parents hesitate to discipline at this stage for two reasons. Either they are afraid of their teen’s reaction or they are unwilling to be grounded with their teenager. Many parents are unwilling to give up their activities to stay home in order to impose a consequence of the teen’s action.

Understanding the direction in which your child was born, you can help them to make good choices by walking the Wheel with them (for complete instructions on how use this technique, order a copy of Going Where.) Begin in the child’s home direction.

If they’re born in the North, ask, “What do you think about the choice you have made?”

In the East, “How do you believe that this is affecting others?”

And to the South, “How do you feel with the choice that you have made?”

And to the West, “What do you know about the choice that you have made?”

Once you have asked the first question from the child’s home direction, then ask the questions in the directional order outlined in Going Where. Now this is an important thing. Never argue with the answer that the child gives you in any direction. You can ask them to expand their answer or to explain it so that you understand what they are saying.

In the next round, you can ask, “Is there anything that you would change about your choice?” If they’re willing to discuss their answers with you, they will often be ready to explore changes or differences in their choice. This discussion must be done in a calm, reasonable setting. If either of you begins to escalate, leave for five minutes and then return to the questions.

Posted by Marilyn Naylor