Going Where

Mental vs. Emotional--You and Your Brain Need Both!

Once more you find your balance. Emotions are not to be thought about. They are to be felt. Do not rush to your head to think about how you feel until you have felt. Do not become angry from the thought until the thought is complete. To truly feel, you must understand your being. To be clear in thought, you must be able to feel. Thought without feeling only clouds the vision. Feeling, without thought, is an empty feeling. They too are partners on the journey that you have chosen in this life. They are not to stop you or distract you, but to enhance you for fulfillment of your being.

            

Emotional intelligence has been a hot topic recently. It's taken scientists almost a century to figure out that intelligence might have an equally important partner called emotion. In actuality, most intelligence tests measure the language and reasoning functions of the dominant hemisphere in the brain. The other hemisphere regulates emotion. In actuality, each hemisphere handles what it does best with no competition from the other side. The two are joined by a structure called the corpus callosum that allows both sides to combine their efforts into a result that far exceeds what either would be alone.

            

How come my head and my heart, that is my emotions and my intellect, so often seem to be at odds with each other?

In actuality, what you are experiencing is how each side of your brain has a different way of being. The dominant side (for most of us, this is our left brain), loves to analyze everything. It breaks things down into little parts. Then it argues with itself about the logic involved that allowed it to take it apart in the first place. It loves the "step-by-step approach. In contrast, the minor side (usually the right hemisphere of the brain), sees the whole picture rather than the little parts. It has virtually no language. Thus, the world for the minor hemisphere is rich in the experiences of sounds, images, smells, skin sensations, and taste. The dominant side gives us the word “vanilla.” The minor side gives us the flavor of vanilla, the pleasantness, the warmth or cold of it, the feelings or memories it may invoke, a whole richness that far exceeds a few letters on a page or a few sounds turned into a mere word.

               

Challenge: The next time you drive your car at night, turn off the radio. Now, concentrate on driving without reading any signs. Clear your head of any verbal chatter. You are now experiencing your minor or right hemisphere's way of being. Next, focus your attention on where you are going. Read the signs along the way. Turn the radio on and concentrate on what is being said. You are now experiencing your dominant or left hemisphere's way of being. Yet, while you were focusing on the left, wasn't the right hemisphere still guiding your car safely down the road? Don't you need both to safely arrive at your destination?

            

Posted by Bernice Ross

Listening and Hearing

You can listen to words, but you hear intentions. So frequently we listen without hearing.  Everyone seeks to be heard, but few speak their truth eloquently enough so that people listen and they are truly heard.  The eloquence of truth is to speak from the heart and allow the words to rise and flow from the mouth. When they are spoken from the head, they drop and fall from the mouth. 

         

How many times have you been listening to your radio, stereo, television, or a conversation with another person and realized that you hadn't heard a single thing? Today we are overloaded with noise of every type and because we are overloaded, we simply don't listen. Or, if we listen, we certainly don't hear.

         

For those of us who live in cities, finding a quiet refuge away from the sounds and noises of civilization is something we seek but seldom experience. So off we go to the beach, the mountains, to a quiet resort for a relaxing time and what do we do?  We take our noise with us on the ski slopes, out on the water, or sitting by the pool. Our noise blocks out not only the sounds of nature, but what others say as well. No wonder we have so many communication problems. No wonder we pay therapists fortunes just so we feel we can feel heard. (And even in therapy,are you really heard or does the therapist just listen for their agenda rather than truly hearing you?)

         

Why is speaking from the heart preferable to speaking from the head?

In actuality, we need to combine both our hearts and our heads. We must use our head to be sound and logical, but wisdom comes from the heart. Without knowledge, without wisdom, without the combination, what we say will too often fall on deaf ears. 

               

Challenge: Next time someone says something that touches your deepest being, notice whether it was merely spoken from the heart, spoken from the head, or did it integrate both parts of your being?

Posted by Bernice Ross

Photo by Yvonne in Willowick, Ohio

Friends vs. Enemies

Friends are those who always agree with us, who always support us, and who never think we are wrong (at least to our face). Enemies, on the other hand, will disagree with us, come clean to our face, and care less whether we like it or not.

      
Usually when salespeople launch their careers, they start by soliciting their family and friends. This may lead to temporary success, but it's certainly not enough to sustain a career. Furthermore, a faulty product or a bad sales experience can turn your friend into an enemy. A very successful salesperson recently summed up the entire issue quite accurately: “When you are in sales, you soon run out of friends, but you can never run out of strangers.”
            
Are you suggesting that we should trust our enemies rather than relying on our friends?
      
Which person would you rather have with you on a deserted island? One who will give you little to think about, show you no passion, and give you little sense for living. This of course would be your friend. The other would instill within you a sense of purpose, challenge you to rise to your highest self, and would never be boring. So choose your friends carefully and embrace your enemies. One will inflict the wound and the other will lick the wound and you will never know which.

If you were alone on a deserted island, would you be alone with your friend or your enemy?
      
Challenge: Are you up for a really challenging challenge? Take three days and spend them totally alone--no phones, no television, no computer, no family, and no friendly contact. How would you fill your three days? Where and how would you spend your time? How friendly is the friend inside you or is there an enemy you cannot face alone?

Posted by Bernice Ross, author of Going Where: Ancient Wisdom for People Today

Photo by Mrlin

      

Offensive Walls and Defensive Walls

A defensive wall we tend to see as something to hide behind.  It keeps our opponents out, but we are the ones who are restricted in space for we are kept in.  Offensive walls are behind us, supporting us and giving us strength. 

“The best defense is a good offense”. Any serious sports fan knows this fundamental is the foundation upon which winning is built. And what exactly produces a strong offense?  Stepping out and acting rather than reacting. The quarterback who hides in back of his defensive line, will soon be sitting on the sidelines. In contrast, the quarterback who trusts that his offensive line is strong, will step out, pass the ball, score, and ultimately, dance in the end zone.

    

Using your sports analogy, I'm not particularly excited about getting tackled.

   

If your wall is fear, step in front of it and see the fear in light so that it can be understood.  If you wall is anger, step in front of it and allow the anger to again become understanding.  If the wall is hate, step in front of it, not to become hated, but to understand love. No matter what your wall is, when you hide behind it, you cannot see truth. When you stand in front of it, it can become your strength for it is in the light. And when you are in the light, you're are not hiding, you are not fearful, you are not angry, you are not hateful. For love is the truth of light and with love there can be no fear, no anger, and no hate. Come out from behind your wall and dance with your life.

    

Challenge:  The next time you confront an angry person or situation, instead of defensively defending your position, try offering the offensive offender love instead.

   

Posted By Bernice Ross

Photo by  | spoon |

Male and Female

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. At long last we have proof males and females are so different that they might as well be from different planets.  In fact, researchers have found that men and women actually have observable differences in their brains. While some psychologists attribute the differences to physiology, others attribute the differences to how we are socialized. 

We teach boys to be goal oriented, to over come obstacles, to work with the rules, to rely on teamwork, and to focus on winning (usually at someone else's expense). To demonstrate this point, merely think of all the games that boys typically play such as baseball, football, basketball, soccer, etc. Each of these games reinforces the male characteristics outlined above.

In contrast, girls are socialized to be process rather than goal oriented. The emphasis is on being with friends and spending enjoyable time together as opposed to winning or losing. Again, consider the games girls choose to play: house, jump rope, coloring, etc. For girls, process is more important than outcome. 

Why do these energies always seem to be in conflict with each other?

Masculine energy takes the knowledge it has and uses it to pursue the goal it has set.  Feminine energy seeks the vision and enjoys the journey. Masculine energy can be demanding, overbearing, and pushy in its pursuit. Feminine energy can be pliable, soft, and non-threatening. Each of us has an equal balance we have sought to overthrow. In the perfection of the creation, our balance allows us to pursue and journey. We can have both vision and goal, wisdom and knowledge, without denying any part of who we are. Seek your balance and find your true power, not as either man or woman, but as being. 

Challenge:  The next time you confront one of those aliens from the other planet, instead of focusing on your differences, focus on how incorporating that alien energy can actually balance what may be missing on your planet at home.

Posted by Bernice Ross, the author of Going Where, Ancient Wisdom for People Today and Marilyn Naylor

Photos by luiginter and brentdanley

Accept and Reject

As we travel on this journey of life, we are like Inspector #14, accepting and rejecting from our perception of perfection.  However, we are not the master and experts that we would assume to be. 

“Astounding new cure found!”  “Red wine linked to longevity!”  “Aspirin reduces risk of heart attack!” Our media is filled with impressive scientific discoveries. Scientists seem to be busy proving one thing after another. Nevertheless, a fundamental fact about the scientific method is that you can never know anything for sure. The problem results from something called sampling error. Thus, all these proofs are merely educated guesses that were either accepted or rejected; nothing more, nothing less. The scientists can only tell you are what the chances are that they may be correct. Sometimes what scientists reject, should have been accepted and vice versa.  Statisticians have a scientific name for this called Type I and Type II error.

So you mean sometimes I will reject something that I should have accepted? 

Well, if the scientists can't get it right, why should we be expected to be any better? 

Challenge: Take a moment and go back over the last 24 hours.  Make a list of everything you rejected, no matter how insignificant it might had been, whether it was person, place, thing, animal, vegetable, or mineral. Now that you can see them in a different perspective, because they have already been rejected, you have nothing but rejects to choose from. And with your very jaundiced eye and jaded attitude, within these rejects, you will find perfection. Even though you have been rejected at times, you are well aware of your perfection. That which we accept, will seem to empower us. That which we reject will empower us because we have had the option of rejection. If perfection is what we strive for, then there would be nothing that we would reject, because we would see the perfection of all being and accept its difference as the seed of its perfection.  Have you found the seed of your perfection?

Posted by Bernice Ross, the author of Going Where: Ancient Wisdom for People Today

and Marilyn Naylor

Photo by Mahengraphic

Flowers and Weeds

Flowers and weeds are really no different.  It merely comes from your perspective.  The things you treasure, that you feel to be rare, you cultivate and culture. The things you tend to think are mundane and useless, you rip out, poison and destroy. To a child, a field of yellow dandelions is a glorious thing to find. They pick them with delight, grip them in dirty little hands, and then present them to mom as though she is being given the rarest of orchids. 

As I look out on the hillside where I live, I feel slightly irritated by the weeds that have once again overgrown the beautiful purple ice plant. Of course, with fire season approaching, it's time to shell out several hundred dollars to clear off the "native brush" (and lots of weeds and tall grass). Yet, within the weeds and tall grass are at least a half dozen quail, numerous doves and jays, a cotton tail rabbit, a squirrel, and probably a few snakes. The deer graze on the grass and the hummingbirds feed from the bottle brush. "My" hillside, is their home as well.

But aren't human beings more important than animals?

Is maintaining the safety of my home more important than protecting the homes of the other animals who find shelter here?  In my haste to "destroy the weeds", what else will I be killing in the process? 

Challenge: Next time you go outside to pull up the weeds, take a moment to consider the following: within your own life, look at the bouquet you have picked. Is it filled only with that which is rare and different? Or does it also contain some of the innocence and joy of childhood? In the haste to kill your own weeds are you killing an innocent part of your life as well?

Posted by Bernice Ross and Marilyn Naylor

Photo by Focalplane

Don't Compromise--Enjoin!

Compromise is settling for the gray. Enjoining is bringing all the pieces of the puzzle together.  When we bring together what we both want to create, the picture becomes complete, with no one feeling lack. When our intention is to the good of the universe, no one needs to give up what they want.

I was recently in a negotiation regarding some of the material I planned to develop. I had tentative approval of several of people involved and thought I was clearly on track.  I then received an email from the one person who "hadn't signed on".  His plan was entirely different from mine and it was clear he wanted no part of the plan as it was structured.  When I tried to explain my position, he very nicely declined to work on the project. 

What did you do?

At first, I thought my only option was to move forward with the project the way it was structured. I still felt very uncomfortable, however, with the concerns he had raised.  For the next two days I debated between moving forward or looking for another alternative that would incorporate what I wanted to achieve with what he wanted to achieve. For me, the lesson was not having to have my way. When I let go of my need to be right, the solution magically appeared. When I emailed him to thank him for his suggestions and to let him know that I had found a way to meet the needs of all involved, much to my surprise, he volunteered to return to the project.  No one needed to give up what they wanted.

Challenge:  The next time you are banging heads with someone over something, step away from your need to have your way. Now, see if there is a way to put the pieces of the puzzle together so that each of them has a place, so that each piece fits, so that each is a harmonious part of the whole. Then ask yourself, how can this best serve all involved.

Posted by Bernice Ross and Marilyn Naylor

Photo by lindsey_lissau

Black and White, or Shades of Gray?

Everything is black and white. We get gray by trying to make white, black and black, white. Gray is compromise. Settling for the gray, compromises your life away.

A common thought we hear repeatedly today is, "Nothing is black and white.  Everything is shades of gray." When we speak the truth, the truth is only made "gray" when we are anything less than 100% truthful. When we seek "compromise," we are often asking someone to deny what is truth for them. By not totally honoring our integrity, as well of the integrity of others, we compromise what we believe in. Thus, we hurt not only ourselves, but those around us as well. 

But how can you maintain the integrity of your "truth" with someone whose belief system is 180 degrees opposed to yours?

An important principle in the professional coaching field is to "never make the client wrong".  So the challenge is, how do you speak your version of the truth without making the client's version "wrong?" There are a number of approaches to this situation.  First, begin by repeating what they have said. "So from your point of view, the way you view "X" is such and such."  Now shift, "I see things from a slightly different perspective" or "Have you ever considered looking at "X" from a slightly different angle?"  Now you have acknowledged both of your "truths" without making either of you wrong.  If the other person becomes angry at "your perspective," remember they are speaking their "truth." Let them own it and don't try to convince them. Instead, stay completely neutral and, if necessary, quietly, walk away from the situation--not the person.

Challenge:  Next time you feel the urge to "bend the truth", remember Mark Twain's sage advice on the matter: "Nobody has a good enough memory to be a good liar." 

Posted by Bernice Ross

Photo by Jenster181

Actor vs. Reactor

Reactors transform the tiny atom to awesome power and there is always someone willing to manipulate the reactor to explode. Actors cannot be manipulated, for they see their choice and consequently, do not generate power for others. Instead, they use their strength to empower themselves.

When I was in grade school we had air raid drills rather than earthquake drills. As a child, I didn’t take too much of this very seriously until the night President Kennedy appeared on television to tell us about the missiles that were based in Cuba. As he announced his plans to blockade Cuba, I remember my fear that we were going to die because someone was going to start dropping atomic bombs.

As an adult who witnessed the end of the Cold War, I never expected to see my community going up in flames. Yet in April of 1992, that’s exactly what happened in Los Angeles. Sadly, it still continues to happen. People who have lost hope, who have constricted choices, now seek power by banding together in gangs or militia groups to protect what is rightfully theirs.  Instead of using their power to improve their community, they actively seek the violence of one explosion after another, often destroying not only their own homes in the process, but their being as well.   

But what can I do about this?
What would happen if each of us sought to unite rather than ignite?  If each of us would look for ways we can be in harmony with others as opposed to focusing on how we can exclude them or do things to make them angry, we could defuse much of the anger that surrounds us.

Challenge: Whenever you have the urge to ignite rather than unite, remember this quote from Ann Landers: “The next time you feel like fighting fire with fire, remember the fire department uses water.”

Posted by Bernice Ross, author of Going Where, Ancient Wisdom for People Today and Marilyn Naylor

Posted by bcmom