Going Where

Balance is Baloney!

I recently heard James Arthur Ray speak at a conference. He is one of the prominent people in the movie The Secret.  In his talk, Ray said that there really is no such thing as life balance. His exact words were, "Balance is Baloney."

As a coach, for many years I have approached the issue of balance as being much like a symphony. There are times where your work will be a "solo" as well as time spent with family and friends. These activities are not in "balance," but they can be in harmony. The question is how to best create the harmony that supports your life.

The simple steps outlined in my book, Going Where: Ancient Wisdom for People Today, examines how to use the Native American Medicine Wheel as well as the latest psychological research, to create the harmony that many of our lives lack.

Brain research is expanding at an exponential rate. The research shows that thinking, believing, feeling, and knowing/experiencing, all take place in different parts of the brain. To create complete harmony in your life, you must work with each of these areas as you meet life's challenges.

Native Americans believe that those born in the winter time (December, January, and February) carry thinking or planning energy as their primary influence. This corresponds to the prefrontal cortex, the place where our highest thinking functions reside.  Those born in the spring (March, April, May) carry "belief" energy. Research shows that when we pray or see symbols of our belief systems such as the cross, the temporal lobes respond. Those born in the summer (June, July, August) carry "emotional" energy as their primary influence. Emotional responses take place in limbic system. Fall births (September, October, November) rely mostly on the physical or past experience energy. Memories are triggered by the hippocampus and much of what we know at our deepest levels is tied to the brainstem and the cerebellum. It is also tied to our muscular system.

Achieving harmony in your life comes from beginning with your birth season or your "home" energy. For example, if you are born in April, your home energy is spiritual or belief energy. To make great decisions and to have more balance in your life, always ask yourself, "What do I believe?" "How is this in alignment with my higher purpose in life?" Next, move to your emotions. What do you "feel" is the best way to create harmony in your life? From there, recall your past experience or what you "know." For example, "In the past, when I was in a similar situation, what actions did I take that led to a successful resolution of the situation?" You could also ask, "What do I know from my past experience that will create a harmonious result?" Finally, create your plan for increasing your harmony. "What do I think that will help me create the best outcome to this situation?"

A slightly different approach is to ask a different set of questions. For example, if your birthday is in the fall, you would begin by asking, "What can I do physically to create more harmony in my life?" The next step would be to move to the mental, "What can I do mentally to create more harmony in my life?" Then ask, "What can I do spiritually to create more harmony in my life?" Finally, ask, "What can I do emotionally to create more balance in my life?" By tapping into each of these different ways our brain works, you are tapping into all of your brain's resources rather than limiting it to just one area.

Daniel Amen in his book, Making a Good Brain Great, discusses how important it is to continue to develop all aspects of your brain as you go through life. According to Amen, ultimately all of our experiences occur in our brain. The nature of the experience depends upon which areas are activated. The more you activate, the better your brain (and your quality of life) become. The simple approach outlined above has worked for thousands of people. When you address the mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects of your being, you're creating the harmony that leads to a more fulfilling and happier life.

Posted by Bernice Ross

Photo by bebalance

How to Handle an Angry Person (Part 1 of 2)

No matter how good your relationship is with others, there are times where we must all confront another person's anger. If someone else is angry, they're in the South or emotional part of the Wheel. To move them away from their anger, the forward movement is to the West or the physical part of the Wheel and then to making a plan to rectify the situation. The steps below have been proven to work in both personal and business situations. 

1.     If someone you know becomes angry, take immediate steps to defuse the situation by first letting go of any need you may have to be right or to win.

2.     When someone begins yelling, do a “pattern interrupt.” This technique comes from Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). The strategy is to stop the angry behavior as quickly as possible. Depending on the situation, there are several ways to do this. If it's a personal situation, one way is to say, "Would you please speak softly to me. I can't hear you when you are yelling." In a business situation, you could begin to cough and ask the person who is yelling to get a glass of water for you. By changing the person's body position, you can often change their mood. Another way to create a pattern interrupt is to ask the person to pause for a moment while you obtain a pen and paper to take notes on exactly what the person says. If you're in an industry where customer service matters (and most of us are), simply writing down what the person says and reading it back to them in a calm voice goes a long way in calming the situation. Remember, the physical act of writing is moving the situation.

3.     It is extremely important to avoid disagreeing with the person. Instead, repeat back what they have said to you and then ask, "Did I get that right?" Writing down what they're saying is highly important because it does move the situation from the emotional to the physical.

4.       When someone is angry with you (and you had no intention of making the person angry),respond by saying:

It was never my intention to make you angry. What can I do to correct the problem?

Notice there is no acceptance or blame, only an effort on your part to take steps to correct something that has gone wrong. After listening and writing down what the angry person had to say, you're now ready to move to the North or planning/thinking part of the Wheel. It's at this time that you create a plan to fix the situation.

Unlike countries such as Germany, Switzerland, and Japan where there is a high emphasis on getting things right the first time (perfection), people from the United States are actually OK if something goes wrong, provided the situation is corrected to their satisfaction. In fact, the research shows that Americans actually value people and companies who make mistakes and fix them, more highly than those who get it right the first time. The success of companies such as Nordstrom is tied to always making the customer right.

5.     If the anger is directed at someone else, avoid criticizing the other party. Instead, say:

That’s terrible. How can I be of assistance in solving this problem?

6.     If you made a mistake, don’t give excuses or say, “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry” requires an explanation. Use this response instead:

Forgive me—I made a mistake. What can I do to rectify the situation?

This puts the power in the hands of the other individual without excuses or rationalizations. It also shows your willingness to take responsibility for your actions.

7.     If the other person is unjustifiably angry, avoid arguing or trying to prove your point. If you cannot honestly say, “I understand your point of view,” at least write down and/or repeat their concerns back to them. That way they know that they have been heard. This is absolutely critical, because anger so often arises from the fact that we do not listen and hear each other.

If this approach doesn’t work, there’s another very effective strategy called the

Talking Circle

. See Part 2 to learn more.

Posted by Bernice Ross, Ph.D. author of Going Where: Ancient Wisdom for People Today

Photo by mrMark

Generational Communication Differences and the Native American Medicine Wheel

For the first time in history, the way we communicate with each other is contingent upon the generation into which we were born. Traditionalists (born before 1946) and Boomers (born between 1946 and 1964), often don't get texting and social networking. They prefer face-to-face, telephone, or email communication. In contrast, Gen X (born 1964 to 1977) and Gen Y (born 1977 to 1994) prefer texting and instant messaging.

Recently, a Boomer was chatting with her Gen Y niece who needed some information. The aunt suggested calling the person. Her niece's response, "That's way too confrontational!"

The generations definitely differ in terms of how they communicate. The Native American Medicine Wheel is an excellent tool for coping with these differences. Native American tradition holds that the season in which you are born influences the energy you carry throughout your life.

If you're born in December, January, or February, your primary energy is mental, planning, or thinking. During the winter (the North position on the Wheel), you think and plan for the year ahead.

If you're born in the Spring (March, April, or May) your starting place on the Wheel is your beliefs. This involves your higher purpose in life, your religious beliefs, and how you interact with your community. Beginning something new is an act of faith.

If you are a summer birth (June, July, or August) your primary energy is emotional. Feelings are your key starting place on the Wheel. Summer time (the South position on the Wheel) is the time we nourish what we have started.

For those born in the fall (September, October, or November) your starting place on the Wheel is with your physical being. During the summer (the West position on the Wheel) we harvest what we have planted. Past experience, physical activity, and what you know are your greatest strengths.

How does this play out in terms of generational communication? The best place to look is how each generation approaches the community or spiritual (East) part of the Wheel.

Traditionalists believe in respect, responsibility, and self sacrifice. Many willingly sacrificed what they held to be most dear for the higher good. This is the ultimate service to the community. They communicate best through traditional channels such as handwritten notes, face-to-face communication, and by telephone.

The challenge for Traditionalists is understanding that respect, duty, and responsibility does not resonate with younger generations. Many believe that out of respect, younger generations should communicate the way Traditionalists communicate. Younger generations typically expect Traditionalists to communicate the way that they do. Everyone suffers when they lack the flexibility to adjust their communication to fit the needs of others.

Boomers, the original Me Generation, focus more on their personal experience (the West portion of the Wheel.) Service to the community and self sacrifice is not as important as “finding” or “being true to yourself.” Nevertheless, making a difference to their community is a key belief for most Boomers.

In terms of communication, Boomers prefer handwritten, email, or telephone communication. Communication serves to build trust and relationships. From their perspective, you don’t build relationships by text messaging. Texting pales in comparison to face-to-face communication that is rich in body language or telephone communication that incorporates intonation, inflection, and numerous clues to the authenticity of the person sending the communication. Boomers believe that these other components are critical for effective communication. For them, service generally arises from personal beliefs rather than from duty or responsibility.

Gen X believes “Let’s break the rules” and "I’ll do it my way." When the Boomers went off to work to make money, Gen X kids were left at home to figure things out without a lot of adult supervision. The result is that they rely on themselves and their personal research to make decisions. As a group, most have poor people skills. The community is a place to research information from which you make your own decisions. This trait makes it hard for Gen X'ers to work collaboratively. They believe that personally researching information (the thinking or mental portion of the Wheel) is the best way to approach decisions.

Much to the frustration of their Boomer bosses, Gen X employees believe that because they rely almost exclusively on information, that other generations have the same approach. Clearly, when Gen X works with Boomers or Traditionalists, this inability to build relationships and be of service hurts their chances for success. Their focus on the mental part of the Wheel (information) rather than the community (East) part of the Wheel hurts their ability to be more effective.

Gen Y's focus is community based. The “New Me Generation,” approaches decision making based upon what their peers agree to be important. The challenge for Gen Y's is that they focus only on input from their peers without regard to the experience and wisdom of other generations. Furthermore, they have difficulty making decisions by themselves. They often rely on peer based data that has no basis in experience. Because they agree, it must be right.

Ultimately, the best thing we can do to communicate more effectively with each other is to ask, “How would you like me to communicate with you?” Being willing to change our approach invites others to step inside our circle and be part of our community.

Posted by Bernice Ross, Ph.D. author of Going Where: Ancient Wisdom for People Today

How to Become More Powerful and Self Confident Using the Native American Medicine Wheel

In the last 24 hours, what stories have attracted your attention? Was it a news story about someone else's tragedy? Was it gossip about another? Was the story a funny event from someone else's life? Was it about something you or someone else was going to do in the future? Or was it about some past event the storyteller was still clinging to years later?

   

Whether it's a book, a news story, a movie, or something amusing about ourselves, stories serve to connect us with each other in a variety of ways. Looking at the stories in our lives, however, can also provide important clues to what keeps us stuck instead of moving forward. The stories you tell, as well as the stories that you listen to, can make you feel weak and powerless or confident and powerful. One of the ways to increase your power and confidence is to use the Native American Medicine Wheel as a guide to how you tell the stories of your life.

   

Reminiscing about the past can be a fun way to strengthen our connections to others, but it can also be a way to exclude others those who did not share the experience. In Native American tradition, the West energy of the Wheel, our past experience, is the balance to the East or spiritual and community part of our beings. When we focus only on ourselves and our experiences, we lose the power we would gain by including others. Thus, the first step in becoming more powerful and confident is to be inclusive of those around you. It's OK to share your experience as long as you ask about their experience as well. This way you are balancing both the physical and spiritual side of your being. Being inclusive shows that you are confident and powerful enough to allow others to be heard. Excluding others indicates fear and weakness.

    

A second important way to feel more powerful and confident is to share the happy events that have happened in your life and to ask others to share what brings them joy. For example, do you constantly tell stories about the painful experiences of your life as a way to gain sympathy for yourself? This is backward movement on the Wheel from the physical (recounting past experiences) to the emotional (how painful or upsetting the situation was) to the spiritual ("Woe is me" or "I'm the victim of ...") Smiles and laughter give you confidence and power. Being a victim makes you feel powerless, angry, and unhappy.

   

Generally, when someone is stuck in the South (emotional part of the Wheel), they are constantly complaining and being negative. The coaching description for this is "Psychic Vampire." Be ruthless about eliminating these people from your community. This way you can avoid those who focus on everything that is wrong, to building a community of like-minded people who look at what's right in the world.

While this may sound difficult, here's a simple solution to shifting from that weak, helpless feeling to feeling happier, more confident, and in control.

   

Start with your home position on the Wheel: December, January, February--mental; March, April, May, spiritual; June, July, August--emotional; September, October, November, physical. Starting with your home direction, give thanks in a clockwise direction for what's right in your life rather than focusing on what's wrong.

   

Physical things to be thankful for: good health, physical safety, good food, clean water, a safe place to sleep, your job, your house, a body that works perfectly, etc.

    

Mental things to be thankful for: your ability to think, to plan, and to do mental tasks, whether it's reading, enjoying good music, or any other task that requires you to use your brain.

   

Spiritual things to be thankful for spiritually include your community of friends and acquaintances, your pursuit of your higher purpose in your life, as well as your relationship to God/your religious or spiritual beliefs.

   

Emotionally, be thankful for both the positive and negative emotions. Without the negative, we would not enjoy what makes us feel good. Who are the people and what are the events that make you feel good? Be thankful for them.

   

Once you finish going around the Wheel, don't forget to say thank you for the ability to make choices, for the support that Mother Earth provides for us in terms of the air we breathe, the food we eat, and the water we drink.

   

Finally, end your circle by addressing God or Great Spirit to say thank you for all that you have encountered on your journey through life. Thus, by walking through all the segments of the Native American Medicine Wheel, you should feel more confident and powerful.

   

Posted by Bernice Ross

Photo by The_Moment

Is a Scarcity Mindset Making You Miserable?

I don't have enough money. I can't afford the new iPhone I want. I'm in debt up to my ears--those are cute shoes, I still have some credit left on one of my credit cards.

Every day we are bombarded with messages that tell us we're not good enough unless we have the latest whiz-bang, the most stylish clothes, or perfect looks. The whole advertising strategy here is to make you think about what you don't have. Once you realize how important what you're missing is, you should immediately go out and purchase their product. If you don't, you'll won't fit in or you won't measure up.

Based upon the teachings of the Medicine Wheel, this is a classic example of backwards movement on the Wheel that leads to poor outcomes. Here's how it works. You see something on television or in an ad. You mentally process the information. Classic think-do behavior means that when you see how good it is, you will want it. Once you think about having it, you will do what is necessary to purchase it. This means that you are moving backwards from the thinking or mental (North) part of the Wheel into the physical or doing (West) part of the Wheel. The challenge is that you haven't considered how this purchase will impact the other parts of your life. Will it put a strain on your family because you already have too much debt? Would that money been better used for your child's edcuation or for your retirement? Will the purchase make you feel good permanently or will it be like a potato chip--good on the way down for a few moments and on your hips (credit card balance) forever.

The reason that we are so susceptible to these messages is that Western society is very focused on consumption. We want what is new and shiny. As soon as we get it, however, something new comes on the market. We feel good for a little bit, but the feeling goes away. The only way to get it back is to get something new. Sadly, this not only applies to things--for some people it's also how they treat relationships.

There is a way to break out of this pattern and to have more abundance in your life. It involves changing your mindset. All it takes to break out of think-do is to make sure that you consider all four aspects of the Wheel. While you don't have to do this with everything you want in life (and notice I said want--not need. You need food, shelter, and transportation--the question is how much do you need and how much do you need to pay for it?)

The first step is to find your starting position on the Wheel.

North: December, January, and February births should begin with "I think." Ask yourself, "What is the best plan for this money I want to spend?"  Next, ask, "Does this purchase support me as well as my higher purpose in life?" Then move to the emotional part of the Wheel and ask, "Will this purchase make me feel good for now or is it something that will give me joy for a long time to come?" At this point, you'll be able to determine whether you should take action.

East:  (March, April, May births). Beginning with your relationship to your family, friends, community, and higher purpose in life, ask yourself, "Does this purchase support each of these important parts of my life?" Moving to the emotional ask, "Will this make me feel good briefly, or is it something that will make me feel good for a long time to come?" Next, go to the physical, "In the past, when I have purchased items like this, was the purchase something that had lasting value or was it like a candy bar--great for a few minutes and that was it?" Finally, ending with the mental, "Is this the best plan for the use of this money?" After you have addressed all four areas, you're ready to decide whether this purchase is something that is in alignment for you.

South: (June, July, August births) Your home position is in the emotional. The first question is whether this purchase will make you feel good temprorarily or for a long period of time. Next, look at your past experience and ask, "What has happened in the past when I have made this type of purchase--was it worth the cost in terms of carrying the debt or other ways that you could have used the money?" Then move to the mental and ask, "Is this the best plan for this money?" The last step is to ask, "Does making this purchase support both my higher purpose in life as well as those around me?"

West: (September, October, November). You are an action person. Before taking action, however, ask yourself, "What can I learn from my past experience? Did that last new thing I bought really create the results I wanted or did it leave me feeling dissatisfied?" Next, moving to the mental, ask yourself, "Is this really the best plan for me to make this purchase or is there a different alternative that would be more satisfying?" Now consider your purpose in life as well as those you care about--does this decision support both? Finally, ending with the emotional, ask, "How will I feel about this decision in the long run? Will it make me feel good for just a few fleeting moments or will it be something that brings me pleasure for years to come?"

In addition to these steps, there are five additional steps that you can take to create abundance in your life. I've worked with the steps in this article for the last eleven years. They really do work.

When you use the Medicine Wheel as a filter for your decision making, you will be much more likely to have made a decision that supports all aspects of your life. Instead of being manipulated by the media in to wanting things that may not support you in the best way possible, you will be able to separate what matters. When you shift to focusing on what gives your life meaning, you are no longer as likely to react to the manipulative advertising messages that try to persuade you to buy lots of things that you don't need. Scarcity is replaced by a decision making process that supports you to feel good about all aspects of your life. Being content and satisfied will be the best immunity you can have to avoid a scarcity mindset.

Posted by Bernice Ross, author of Going Where: Ancient Wisdom for People Today