When kids hit puberty, something in their brain almost immediately tunes out their parents or other authorities. The hormonal shifts are profound. Even the best kids end up being quiet and unresponsive. Others will be completely indifferent and even hostile.
As a parent, what can you do to get your teenagers to listen to you? The answer is contained in an ancient tradition called the Talking Circle. For a detailed description of how to use the Talking Circle in your business or school environment, please see the Appendix in Going Where: Ancient Wisdom for People Today (Order your copy of Going Where). To apply it to your teenager (or to your spouse or younger children as well,) ask your teenager to join you at a time that is convenient for your child. Your goal is to make this about them and having a conversation. They will be resentful if you pull them away from other activities where they want to be.
Alternatively, if your teen has acted out in some way and needs to disciplined, you can also use this as an opportunity to use this approach. Ideally, however, it would be better to use this approach in a positive situation the first time. That way, the Talking Circle approach doesn't become anchored with something negative for your teen.
The next step is to determine what you will use as your "talking stick." It could be a cell phone or anything else you deem appropriate. Negative Americans often use a simple stick that they pass from one to another. The rules for using the "talking stick" are simple.
1. You can only speak when you hold the talking stick. You cannot interrupt what the other person is saying no matter how tempting it is.
2. You must pay attention to the person who is speaking. If you shift your attention away, you will destroy the power of this approach.
3. Here's the most important point: You can only say what you are experiencing. You cannot comment on anything the other person says. Avoid using the word "You" and focus completely on using "I" language. This is very difficult and will produce surprising results.
Invite your teenager to join you in an experiment. Here's what to say,
"I just heard about an interesting way for us to talk to each other in a way where we can both be heard. I'd like to try it. You can go first or I can go first--whatever if you would like. We'll use ____ as our talking stick. The person holding the talking stick is the only one who can talk. I cannot interrupt nor can I comment on what you say. The only thing I can do is to completely listen to what you say. When it's my turn, you can only listen and pay attention. You cannot comment on what I say either. Would you like to go first or shall I?"
You might begin be asking your teen to tell you something about what they enjoy doing. It could be something as simple as a sports activity, a favorite TV show, music, or video game. You may find it difficult to sit there and not comment, but it's absolutely critical that you do so. When it's your turn, you might share something that you did when you were their age. Keep it fun and light if possible. Avoid telling the teen what to do. Instead, make it about sharing something fun so this activity is anchored as something pleasant. You can pass the talking stick back and forth until you both have had your say. After you finish, you then can have a conversation about what was said. In many cases, however, it's best not to say anything more. You'll have to determine whether this is appropriate based upon the situation.
The Talking Circle is a powerful tool when you have a discipline situation on your hands. You would begin by taking the talking stick and asking:
"Help me understand what happened. Remember, when you have the talking stick, I cannot comment on anything you say. When you are finished, please pass the talking stick back to me."
Hand the talking stick to your child and then listen without interruption. Keep your body language still and avoid looking angry, upset, or emotional. When the child has finished making his or her comments, take the talking stick and ask,
"In your opinion, what should be the consequences of this behavior?"
If the child responds with something appropriate, then you can say,
"Then that's what the consequences will be for you."
If the child doesn't come up with something that is acceptable, respond by saying,
"That doesn't work for me. This was a pretty serious matter. The consequences should match how serious the situation was. What else would you recommend?"
If the response is still not appropriate, then say,
"What would work for me is... Is that agreeable to you or do you have a different alternative?"
Notice here that you are listening to the teen and helping them to take responsibility for their actions. Using the ancient tradition of the Native American Talking Circle is one of the best ways to improve your communication with all the people in your life.
Posted by Bernice Ross
Recent Comments